Communication in marriage

Communication in marriage: 12 honest
conclusions after 12 years of marriage

Author: NWAMGBO JUDE

Category: News

Romantic movies end the same way: a white dress,
flowers, happy bride and groom. But what happens
after the wedding? What is marriage all about? And
how is it to live happily ever after? Check up the
thoughts of a woman about the marriage life. She has
already been married 12 years.
Communication in marriage: 12 honest conclusions after
12 years of marriage
‘I have never understood the hype around ‘seducing a
rich man’ or ‘I want to get married’. My life goals were
huge, probably as many of us at 15-17; we think that a
whole life is ahead.
My dreams did not come true: sports injury put an end
to my career, my Olympic gold. I met my future
husband, being a student. At the same time, I never
thought about how long I was destined to live in a
marriage. I realized that life can change at any
moment. As today you are a famous athlete, a
champion and a winner, and the day after you get
injured, and the champion is already someone else.
Communication in marriage: 12 honest conclusions after
12 years of marriage
The coach always told me: ‘In order to win, you have
to be above the others. There are no such words as: ‘It
is impossible’, ‘I cannot’. Get up and do it. Do what
you can at the moment, and do the maximum’.
The habit of thinking like a champion was firmly
slammed in my outlook. This can be compared with
the inner critic. The life of my family goes under his
strict guidance. We have all the same as everyone else
does: love, romance, passion, suffering, marriage
problems and marriage crisis. There were times of
getting to know each other in life, periods of
disagreement, misunderstanding, and resentment. We
wanted to get divorced and kill each other.
And here I am, married for 12 years and ready to
share my 12 findings of this interesting process.
1. Passion passes.
Communication in marriage: 12 honest conclusions after
12 years of marriage
Yes, love goes away. It is that love, which is called
‘love relationship’ in society. The love with the crazy
emotions, suffering, tears, with spiritual pain and the
inability to think of anyone other than the object of
this ‘love’.
The relationship should be good. No tantrums, the
psychological attacks, emotional swings, adrenaline
injections after unanswered message, without the
broken dishes and ‘going to my mom’s place’, without
anguish and sleepless nights after a scandal.
The relationship should be stable. This does not mean
boring. This means that you are assured that your
spouse does not make an unexpected ‘surprise’ when
you are not ready for it.
The relationship should be easy. When you go home
and you know that everything is okay, you're not going
to meet an aggressive drunken husband, and do not
get punched in the face.
2. Married life is not one big holiday.
Communication in marriage: 12 honest conclusions after
12 years of marriage
There is no ‘happily ever after’ without a break for
lunch and weekends. There are diseases, malaise,
fatigue, irritation, anger, and resentment. There are
breakdowns, abuse, troubles, and difficulties. The only
question is how long the couple is prepared to get
stuck in these situations.
3. The spouses really need to have the same social
level.
Communication in marriage: 12 honest conclusions after
12 years of marriage
Cinderella and the Prince are nothing more than a
fairy tale. Romantic nonsense that the girls love since
their childhood. And unequal marriages often end with
the divorce. Love ‘pheromones’ can push people
towards each other.
But when love passes, all the differences in upbringing,
mentality, respect for life, for money, work and
children come out. Tales that are shown in the movies
are not viable, and the attempts to make them come
true, end in failure.
4. The couple must develop together.
Communication in marriage: 12 honest conclusions after
12 years of marriage
You cannot rest on the coach. If a husband and wife
do not develop life in general - the result is sad: the
one, who prevents growing, is thrown away. Sooner or
later. My wife is stuck in pots, diapers, children, as
well as a husband in drinking beer at the TV, - it is
the ballast to be dropped. No options.
Here is another conclusion: it is impossible to forbid
your spouse to develop. No matter what. Dancing,
guitar, snowboarding, chess, 101 ways to cook chicken -
any activity where a person wants to achieve results.
An optimal variant is to share the interests of the
spouse or not to interfere.
5. Everyone should be understood.
Communication in marriage: 12 honest conclusions after
12 years of marriage
On a deeper level. You can be irritated with some
habits, can disagree with some of the manifestations of
his nature. One can have different views on some
issues and on the child-rearing process. But on a
deeper level, a person must be understood. It is
necessary to allow a man to be who he is. You can,
certainly, try to change him, but a person may not like
it.
6. A wife should not completely dissolve in her
husband and children.
Communication in marriage: 12 honest conclusions after
12 years of marriage
At first, I devote time to myself, then - husband and
child. The woman often betrays her ‘I’ for the sake of
man. She becomes boring and unneeded for him very
soon. You cannot completely dissolve in the family and
cannot live only according to the wishes of your
husband, you cannot just think about children. ‘Home
mom’ is not interesting to anyone. The interesting
person next to you makes you want to study, is the one
you would like to talk to.
7. A husband should be needed and at the same
time free.
Communication in marriage: 12 honest conclusions after
12 years of marriage
In recent years, I live by this principle. I am not afraid
that my husband might leave, because he, like any
person, has the right to have a better life for himself.
Maybe without me. This is normal. Just as I have a
right to have a better life for myself. Maybe without
him. Yes, the old life will be broken, but the disaster
will not happen. You cannot force a person to be with
you. Therefore, you need time to get rid of ‘the rose-
colored glasses’, to forget the phrase ‘Let's live together
forever and die in one day’. I know that at any time a
person can leave, and I do not have illusions on this
point.
8. Each may have his own interests and desires.
Communication in marriage: 12 honest conclusions after
12 years of marriage
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Everyone should have the personal space and time.
Everyone should have his finances. It is an axiom of
relations. It may be one of the most important pieces
of marriage advice. So it must be so, and it is not
discussed. No need to drag your husband to shopping,
you do not necessarily need to go on fishing.
I, for example, spend my personal time for training,
yoga, and jogging. One can go to the lake to sit and
look at the water thinking. It may also be the time to
read books, to do other things. The husband can have a
bath, meet with friends, and go fishing for a few days.
No one should watch another. Everybody is happy,
everything is well.
Everyone should have his finances. Without the right
to demand a report on their use. It is humiliating to
ask money for napkins, as well as for cigarettes.
9. An animal should live in the house.
Communication in marriage: 12 honest conclusions after
12 years of marriage
And it should preferably be a warm-blooded creature.
Cat, dog, hamster - one who can cuddle and touch. At
different times we had cats, dogs, and sometimes both
of them simultaneously. And now the two dogs and rat
sphinx live with us.
10. The people with a similar temperament have a
long-lasting marriage.
Communication in marriage: 12 honest conclusions after
12 years of marriage
When one person is super active, and another one is
super lazy, then this marriage is hardly destined to be
a long-lasting one. You can smooth out some
differences in temperament; it is possible to adjust to
the speed and nature of the life of your partner. But if
the speed is polar, then your ‘Ferrari’ will not wait for
his old ‘Chevrolet’ for a long time.
11. Passionate sex is not the main thing in a
marriage.
Communication in marriage: 12 honest conclusions after
12 years of marriage
After 12 years of marriage, it is impossible to have
crazy sex and romance, as before, even after 3 years,
all the emotions go down to a calmer level. In order to
maintain a high level of desire of a partner after many
years spent side by side, you both need to have very
strong emotions, which in principle cannot last for a
long time. However, it may happen that one of the
spouses suffer from a love addiction. Then he, yes, may
want passion and fire for a very long time. In such a
case the other spouse lives with him (her) because of
the convenience, the reluctance to change anything.
You need to have intimacy in marriage. But usually in
the normal married couple, sex relationship fades into
the background, and really is not so important in
marriage.
12. Decisions shall be taken together.
Communication in marriage: 12 honest conclusions after
12 years of marriage
But a woman does not need to dive into the masculine
business. Small, everyday activities do not require
approval. But some major purchases, crucial decisions
have to be discussed – this is the right communication
in marriage. And all the decisions are made by two. No
phrases like ‘I’ve decided so, therefore it will be so’.
‘How to raise a child’, ‘where to go on vacation’, ‘can
we get a dog’, ‘what kind of car to buy’ – these issues
are discussed. But interfering in the business of your
husband is not desirable. Maximum – you can express
your opinion if you are asked.
Communication in marriage: 12 honest conclusions after
12 years of marriage
And what is the most important for the long-term
marriage? It is the desire to compromise, listen and
hear each other, leaving the opportunity to be alone,
do not merge with each other, like Siamese twins, and
leave another person and yourself some space for
maneuver.
In general, family life is a combination of a love
relationship, trust, mutual tolerance, and willpower.
The order of all the above changes every few years.
These marriage tips may help you to look at life after
the wedding without your fairy-tale dreams. Every
goal needs a hard work to do. The same is with the
healthy relationships. Work for it and you’ll get it!